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: I felt desolate to a degree。 I felt—yes; idiot that I am—I felt degraded。 I doubted I had taken a step which sank instead of raising me in the scale of social existence。 I was weakly dismayed at the ignorance; the poverty; the coarseness of all I heard and saw round me。 But let me not hate and despise myself too much for these feelings; I know them to be wrong—that is a great step gained; I shall strive to overe them。 To… morrow; I trust; I shall get the better of them partially; and in a few weeks; perhaps; they will be quite subdued。 In a few months; it is possible; the happiness of seeing progress; and a change for the better in my scholars may substitute gratification for disgust。

Meantime; let me ask myself one question—Which is better?—To have surrendered to temptation; listened to passion; made no painful effort—no struggle;—but to have sunk down in the silken snare; fallen asleep on the flowers covering it; wakened in a southern clime; amongst the luxuries of a pleasure villa: to have been now living in France; Mr。 Rochester’s mistress; delirious with his love half my time—for he would—oh; yes; he would have loved me well for a while。 He did love me—no one will ever love me so again。 I shall never more know the sweet homage given to beauty; youth; and grace—for never to any one else shall I seem to possess these charms。 He was fond and proud of me—it is what no man besides will ever be。—But where am I wandering; and what am I saying; and above all; feeling? Whether is it better; I ask; to be a slave in a fool’s paradise at Marseilles—fevered with delusive bliss one hour—suffocating with the bitterest tears of remorse and shame the next—or to be a village…schoolmistress; free and honest; in a breezy mountain nook in the healthy heart of England?

Y

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